No repair

Lauren was born with an imperforate anus, without a way to use her bottom.  On her second day she was given a colostomy so that she could use the bathroom.  It's been in the plans to wait for Lauren to get a bit bigger, create a bottom, then another surgery to take back in the colostomy-TADA, and she would use the bathroom like so many others!  This was such a simple plan, and honestly gave me little to think or worry about.  Until a few weeks ago...

Lauren went in for a lower GI contrast x-ray (colostogram) that would show the surgeons where her colon was exactly located (this would be pulled down to surface of skin where they would make her bottom...) 

I got a call from the ped surgeon with the results.  Lauren has several abnormalities inside her lower abdominal organs.  Mainly, she has many connections (called fistulas) between each of her tracks (vaginal, urinary, and rectal).  This means that any fluid/object that passes from one can go into the other.  Not, so good.  So, Lauren will require repairs to the urinary and vaginal tracks.  Urology will first go in with a camera through her urinary track and see in more detail what's going on.

The part that hit me like a ton of bricks was that Lauren may never get her bottom.  Her anatomy is so unique that it may be impossible to fix.  Not only that, they are feeling that she may not even have any control over her bowels because her back lesion was so damaged.

I spent the whole day crying.  Mourning for my sweet pea.  The weekend began to feel a little better, but still could not fight those nasty little fears.  My husband said that I need to take one day at a time and to not worry so much.   Perhaps, this is great advice and I should take it.  Though, I can't help, but think about her being a teenage girl.  Will she care if others know about her colostomy, will she want it to be a secret and if so will she be able to hide it?  Will her clothes fit her OK, will a bowel movement sneak out and make a loud noise in front of others (because it does now, and the bag amplifies the sound)?

I can't help to feel sadness.  It may not be warranted, it may not be necessary, but I fear that day that she comes through the door with tears running down her soft little cheeks because someone didn't have enough human decency to not tease or outcast her because of her unique physical differences.   I wish that I could fully trust humankind to use their hearts and to be compassionate.  Sure, many will be understanding, but unfortunately their will be many that will lack basic human kindness.  Especially for those that stand out. 

I just know that I have a HUGE job of raising all my girls, especially Lauren, with enough character to handle life and the potential bad days.  I pray that each one of my girls has a full kind heart, intelligence, wit, humor, and faith.  For Lauren I pray that she additionally has gusto, fistey-ness,   Maybe then she is more able to fight off those unkind words, weird stares...  I pray that she will see the beauty that I already see in her, and allow that beauty to lead her through life.  Because I am certain that her life will be filled with joy and be surrounded by people that love and adore her.  I need to put my fears and sadness behind and allow Somebody else to take control.